My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
You Might Also Like
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.