My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.