Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

sign of the times 🖊

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?