My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
bury ourselves
![]()
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I can’t stop laughing at this
![]()
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
A fake ID that makes you younger
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog