My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers