My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Never mess with a drunken pig.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.