My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me driving through Toronto
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I get distracted pretty eas
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES