@bananagrvyrd

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

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@garrettbarry70

My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@slimmy_shady

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

@P_o_n_k

Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.

@truegritrumble

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

@notmythirdrodeo

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

@LostFelicia

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it