Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done