My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
happy halloween
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.