therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
You Might Also Like
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
that lip filler tho
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.