@legreece

My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.

You Might Also Like

@Mostly_Cheese

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

@obviousplant_

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@StrugglesBGbb

It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

@noog

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help