Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.