Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Cinema or bowling

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

No one:

London landlords:

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?