My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“How’s your day going?”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}