My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?![]()
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.