My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut