My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?