My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint