My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.