My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.