@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

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@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

@Cheeseboy22

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

@ArfMeasures

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

@bridger_w

In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies

@ElleOhHell

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@3sunzzz

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

@KrangTNelson

RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food

ME: that’s great. love it

RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run

ME: no

@eminmien

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

@sonictyrant

I was stood behind a woman in a Q at the supermarket today. Her daughter maybe 6 was hassling her for Candy.

Her mom kept refusing ,and 6 got increasingly angry until she turned around looked me in the eye and exclaimed loudly “i saw mommy kissing daddy’s winkie last night”