I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep
GOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food
ME: that’s great. love it
RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I was stood behind a woman in a Q at the supermarket today. Her daughter maybe 6 was hassling her for Candy.
Her mom kept refusing ,and 6 got increasingly angry until she turned around looked me in the eye and exclaimed loudly “i saw mommy kissing daddy’s winkie last night”