My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year