My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Overindulged this afternoon.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…