My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
yeah not falling for this one
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
next level snooze
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?