my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
pictures of spider-man
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one