My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.