Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair