My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.