My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
some things should go without saying
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do