Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

He has no idea 🤡

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

happy friday

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

channeling her this year

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]