My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.