My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.