My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.