My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun