My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy