My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.