My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
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Me: Same.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what