Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

so i’m at the stock market right

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

me and my fake scenarios

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it