My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not