My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
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How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
As a doctor, I can confirm
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.