Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Awwwww shit.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Wait a second…

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

A duv-egg? In this economy?

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.