My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
A new level of troll.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool