@AsianOtherWhite

My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.

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@GinAndJif

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@mommymemeoirs

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

@hippieswordfish

[arcade]
KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine
DAD: hey buddy, why don’t you give the kid a turn
LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE’RE IN LOVE

@slimmy_shady

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

@theshamingofjay

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

@MichaelTrying

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.