CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher
My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
What is everyone writing songs about?
George: true love
Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.