@AsianOtherWhite

My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.

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@Divergentmama

CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher

@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

@daemonic3

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

@SincerelyMen

Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It’s a good thing our schools & economy are in great shape or I’d be pissed

@Elizasoul80

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

@theshamingofjay

What is everyone writing songs about?

John: revolution

Paul: forgiveness

George: true love

Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not