My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.


Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.


Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.


her: do you believe in astrology?

me: yeah of course stars exist

her: no like horoscopes

me: ohhh, i use a telescope


Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.


Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..


[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*


[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive


Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.