My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.