Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
her: do you believe in astrology?
me: yeah of course stars exist
her: no like horoscopes
me: ohhh, i use a telescope
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.