My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography