Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them