My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*