Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.