Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!