My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.