My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.