My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.