My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
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you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]