My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
You Might Also Like
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.