Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.