Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

choose your gary

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

I am patiently waiting for your email

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news