My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Bike for sale
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom