My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
that’s really how it is
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
imagine getting destroyed like this
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing