My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.