My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Choose your fighter
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body