Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.