Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.