Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence