Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

bags with threatening auras

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”