My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.