Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

Ain’t no way

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble