My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
$3 #books
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit