My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
🥲
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Good point.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.