My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Labreador
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I am crying
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow