My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.