Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.